Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
