I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
