i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
