Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
