thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
