I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
