I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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