if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
