You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
