my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
