I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
