I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
