dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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