my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
