i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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