my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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