UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Operation Purity has been aborted
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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