just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You need a sexual gate keeper
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
