who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just googled if crying burns calories
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
