i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
These tits shall not be calmed
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
