I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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