...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
