Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
