So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
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Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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