When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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