My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
