Screwed.edu
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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