nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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