Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
