you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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