So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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