Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
