i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
