my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can text with my tongue
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
