he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I party with great urgency now.
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