My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
we're so committed to being not committed
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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