My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
