I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
