if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
