I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
