Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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