just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
