I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
