I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's never too late to be topless.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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