I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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