i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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