so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
