I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
