I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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