At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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