when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I FOUND THE LEGS
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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