I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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