I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
